Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies. Want to bookmark your favourite articles and stories to read or reference later? Start your Independent Premium subscription today. It didn't fix me but it made me the person I am today and gave me back control of myself. My GP doesn't make me feel bad about that. Whatever gets me through the day and through life, I'll do it.
She admits that in the early days of her relationship with Wayne, her illness put a huge amount of pressure on them both, but they've been together 10 years now.
Obviously it puts an extra strain on it that other relationships don't have. The medication affects her sex drive, she agrees, noting in the book that her low libido has been a recurring issue in her relationship. She continues: "It's hard for him not to take it personally and then I have the guilt of making him think that I'm unhappy because of him and it can be hard. The meds do affect my libido and that can be hard from both sides.
It's hard for someone not to take that personally but we're all right. He knows when I'm quiet. If I have a day when I can't cope, he takes the kids out and keeps them entertained. He can't fix it but he can help me through it. They are a great distraction. I sobbed and sobbed. I was hysterical. I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe. Then I drove off on my own, thinking, 'I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to run away. He said, "I don't know what I can do for you.
I felt so worthless; so empty. I just wanted to hide. We had two meet-and-greets that day, a press run and two performances. Our manager took me out of the meet-and-greets - and the press run - so I just had the performances. But all the time I was doing them, I just didn't want to be there.
What was the point? Just before we left, I did one meeting with a competition winner. I was her favourite, so I had to go, and I remember putting on a fake smile before I left the room. I thought, 'This isn't right. Every time I spoke to someone, I'd be thinking, 'They probably think I'm a horrible person. Am I boring them?
Do I look ugly? I felt ashamed. Since childhood, I've been an over-thinker, and I used to make myself sick with worrying. I'd always have stomach aches and breathing problems. So there was a part of me thinking I was putting it on, that I wasn't properly sick, and only sick people should be in hospital.
I thought that since mine was only a mind thing, I would snap out of it. Wayne was the only person who knew. I was in hospital for three days before I even told my parents. I believe my parents just thought that was the way I was. I have a tattoo on my neck that says 'Sunshine and Showers' - my nan's pet name for me. That was always my personality: fine one minute and then really upset the next.
I didn't realise that I wasn't well, nobody did, but there's a history of depression on both sides of my family. A doctor told me it's like having asthma: it's something you have; it's not going to go away.
That made me feel better, but at the same time I thought, 'Why did I have to be the one who got depression? I thought it would be really uncomfortable, with all the furniture tied to the floor! Of course, it was nothing like that. I was offered one-on-one and group therapy. I remember during one session the psychologist made me and this guy have a confrontation, because we were both struggling to express ourselves. It was horrible. I got the shakes, I felt sick. But afterwards, I didn't feel too bad.
Sure, I'd pissed the guy off a bit - he'd told me how he felt and I'd told him how I felt - but I realised that I'm not a bad person just because I disagreed with him. I felt that I was worthless, that I was ugly, that I didn't deserve anything.
In October, the performer was admitted to hospital to overcome the depression and make a recovery before The Saturdays' first UK arena tour in December. I got so good at covering it up, I didn't confide in anyone. She continued: "I thought I was selfish, miserable and ungrateful. I'd been given this amazing life, but I wasn't happy.
0コメント